Regrets of the Past Self
by LoonRider
Summary: The Normandy has finally gotten off the garden planet they crashed on after the Crucible fired. Their return to the Citadel is already filled with surprises, but what awaits them when they return to where their Commander had her last battle? (Tracy Shepard. Colonist/War Hero. Garrus LI. Post-Control ending) (Rated for some blood/body part description)
All aboard the wish fulfilment boat tour of de-nile! This fic and all its sequels are PURE denial of the canon Control ending, which was my chosen ending for Tracy because she (and I) just couldn't choose Destroy... buuuut that doesn't mean that I don't selfishly wish for a happier ending. I'll try to keep things within believability but these were all mostly for funsies, so...

Spoilers: ME3 ending, Control. Set post-ME3.

#

'Unnerving' didn't quite cover it. The Normandy glided through space as easily as she ever had, but every now and then they would see a signal on the scanner, or even better, out the main windows. Reapers. Just... flying through space. Collecting debris or repairing still-damaged relays. The first time they'd seen one it had been a ship-wide alert before they realized that the massive synthetic wasn't even reacting to them, not opening its main arms to fire or so much as turning to face them.

They'd even received a message they could only assume was from the Reapers: a clinical, listed report of repair progress on the relays. It was probably the creepiest thing Garrus had ever read.

"I am _never_ getting used to this! What the hell did Shepard _do_?!" Joker's outburst came as they approached the Sol relay, snapping Garrus from his thoughts. He shook his head. No doubt the root of it was the Reaper flying, quite peacefully, away from the active relay.

"I have no idea. Maybe we'll find out when we get back to Earth." They hadn't discussed the possibility of Shepard's role in the Reapers' newfound calm. Hell, it was hard enough to comprehend without factoring her in.

"Whatever she did, I don't think we should trust it. How do we know the Reapers are not simply biding their time?" Javik's approach was quiet, though his words were sour (what a shock). Garrus shot him a look.

"You know Shepard would have made sure that was impossible." He glanced out at the relay and the fast-retreating Reaper. "Besides, any one of them could have wiped us out while we were stranded."

"Oh yeah, not like they were really good at fighting fair." Joker shook his head, tapped at his controls. "Approaching the relay. EDI, can you handle our drift?"

"Already monitoring it, Jeff."

"All right, let's see how Sol's doing..."

The relay's energy sparked towards them, as if it had never been damaged in the first place. Garrus couldn't deny a nervous twist in his stomach as they made the jump.

...

It took them a little under ten minutes to get from the outer edge of the Sol system into the inner planets and Earth. Garrus was back in the cockpit when that happened. Earth looked... well, better than it had before. There were no fires visible from orbit, and the Citadel still orbited, higher than Earth's own moon but still likely visible from the surface. The ward-arms were open, and he almost wasn't surprised to see a Reaper hanging out at its base, next to the Crucible.

"Man, what's that one doing?" Joker almost sounded petulant, and EDI tapped through a few of their scanner readouts.

"It would appear to be securing the Crucible's docking clamps, fixing it more permanently to the Citadel." She looked at Garrus, and then at Joker. "I doubt it would be doing so with the weapon that won the war if it was still intent on wiping out all life."

"... Well, I guess not..." Joker sighed. "Ah whatever." He tapped into communications. "Here's hoping someone's still down there... Citadel control, this is SSV Normandy, requesting permission to land."

A few long seconds of silence that had all three of them glancing at each other, and then a woman's voice on the other end. "It's good to hear that identification again. Normandy, you're cleared to land... Please don't mind the Reaper."

"Thank you, control. And trust me, we've seen enough of them lately to have figured that out."

Joker brought them into their regular docking bay, and just from that pass they could see the damage. Bodies had been cleared out (it had been over a month, after all), but blood stains and burns remained, even worse than the Cerberus attack. Keepers scampered to and fro, each clearly on a mission, some actively engaged in repairs or clean-up.

When he stepped out of the docking tube, he found someone unexpected waiting for them. "Kolyat!"

The young drell smiled. "It's good to see you all. I'm sure you have many questions, but... perhaps it's better if you explore the Citadel yourselves to find at least some of the answers."

Garrus nodded. "Probably... but I'm glad to see you're okay, Kolyat."

"Likewise." He paused for a moment, then looked aside. "I was sorry to hear about Shepard..."

The pain in his heart twisted again. He had to swallow to be able to answer. "Yeah... thanks."

Kolyat bowed his head before turning to leave, and Garrus paused. He was sure there was a lot of news waiting for them on the Citadel, a lot of people who'd survived or hadn't survived that mattered to them, but right that moment, there was only one thing he really cared about.

"I'm coming with you." He jumped at the voice, whipped around to find himself staring right at Tali, her arms crossed.

"What do you mean?" Like he didn't already know.

"You're going to look for Shepard. I'm coming with you." She sounded worried, and he actually had to bite back the urge to ask if she thought he would do something stupid to himself if Shepard really was dead. Mostly because he wasn't sure what he would reply with if she said yes.

"I'm coming too." That was Liara, stepping up beside the quarian. And behind her came Javik.

"As am I. I owe the commander this much."

He eyed each of them in turn just long enough to know there would be no talking them out of this. 

"... Alright. I figure the Crucible's main section is right below the Citadel Tower, so that's probably where she ended up..." He wasn't sure if he was talking to himself or them as he turned to head into the Citadel proper.

Better to get moving before the whole crew wanted to come along, anyway.

...

Even just getting from the docking bay to the elevator that led to the Citadel Tower painted a grim picture of what had happened. There were survivors (mostly alien, Garrus noticed), but also a lot more damage and battle signs. Still, keepers scampered this way and that, fixing and repairing, and a few of the survivors even stopped what they were doing to watch them. Offhand, he remembered Brooks calling them legends... the way these people looked at them matched that lofty title, for sure.

They were nearing the elevator when Liara's voice pulled him from his thoughts. "What's that keeper doing?"

He followed her gaze to a keeper idling at a wall panel near the elevator. For a second, it didn't look like anything special... and then the wall panel just... dropped away as if it was on a slide. Beyond it was darkness. The keeper scampered off towards the financial district.

They were all silent for a second, and then Javik spoke from somewhere to Garrus' left. "... Does that happen often?"

"... Not any of the times I've been here," Tali muttered, right behind Garrus' left shoulder.

They approached, Garrus wishing he had his rifle with him, Citadel regulations be damned, and Liara lifted a hand to her nose. "What's that smell?"

The light from the Presidium didn't illuminate more than a few feet. He and Tali reached to activate the flashlights on their omni-tools at the same time. A split second later, he heard her sharp inhale. " _Keelah_..."

A passageway stretched off into the distance, and scattered at intervals across it were... body parts. Human body parts. There were blood stains along the floor, drag marks that showed it had been a lot worse, but the stench told the whole story. He choked on his voice as Javik and Liara's lights joined in illuminating the horror in front of them. "Spirits... what is this?"

"I'd assume it's what became of the humans who went sent through the beam." Javik's voice carried his usual stoicism, but Garrus noticed the barest note of disgust therein. Doubtless, this reminded him of the horrors of his own time.

Garrus shook his head. There was a path clear of... debris... and mostly clear of blood, so he started down the passage. A quick glance behind them showed some kind of apparatus behind the regular wall. Who knew what that was for. They kept moving forward, keeping their lights on the clear path and only skirting the grisly image beyond. It was barely a minute of walking before Javik broke the silence.

"Over there."

Garrus swung his light onto the first fully intact body they'd seen. Wearing basic Alliance combat gear, the body wasn't hard to identify even with the multitude of injuries and dried blood. "Admiral Anderson..." Even from this distance, he could see the Admiral was dead, but his face was calm, and he laid flat, as if someone had placed him there.

He was afraid to look further, but a light swept past his, and then Liara was dashing past him. Inhaling deeply, he looked at what had her attention... another body, armour gone, hardsuit cracked and burned away in places, dried blood along more of the body than he could stomach. The victory ring given to her by EDI rested on her finger, and the Echo Shard given to her by Javik was held in the same hand. It was her. He looked away.

He heard Liara's omni-tool beep and click and whirr, and wondered why. A second later, his friend's voice. "Goddess... she's still alive!"

 _That_ got his attention. "What?!" He was beside the asari before he even realized he was moving, maybe jostling Liara out of the way but not really caring. His own omni-tool pinged, its medical function registering weakened life-signs. For a second, he didn't know what to do. With all that blood, she shouldn't have survived, but the wounds he could see were well into the process of healing, her chest moved with shallow breaths damn it this was _impossible_.

"-rus. Garrus!" Liara was shaking his shoulder, and he finally snapped back into reality to hear her. "Garrus, we should get her out of here!"

Right. Just because she was alive didn't mean she didn't need help. "Yeah, I know," he managed to say before reaching out for Shepard, easing his arms under her and trying to ignore just how bad she looked. Lifting her gently, supporting her against his chest, he glanced at the other body. "Javik, can you get Anderson?"

"Of course." Bless the Prothean for not arguing.

Once Javik had the Admiral, they started back down the passage. Garrus mostly followed Tali in front of him in his peripheral, because he kept staring at the woman in his arms, making sure she was breathing. It didn't make any sense. He could tell she'd been grievously injured, and yet she was still alive after at least a month trapped here. How?

Just as they neared the dead-end, something echoed out of the area behind them. " _Her regrets were a distraction. I can now focus on my purpose_."

He looked behind him, then around at the others. "Anyone else hear that?"

Tali nodded. "It... sounded like Shepard. Sort of."

"I don't think it really matters right now." Liara shook her head just as a new panel slid aside, letting them out. Garrus had to agree: weird as it was, it was not as important as getting Shepard to the hospital.

...

It was dark. Calm. Part of her knew this place, for she had been here before, in this nowhere, this in-between.

And another part of her was aware of the other that had come into being. An ethereal thing that acted based on her thoughts, directed massive beasts with incredible power according to her morals.

And those parts were divided, trapped in the nowhere, by those memories and thoughts that had driven her to the creation. Memories that rooted her, gripped her.

"It shouldn't be possible. It's like her wounds were closed artificially. And her implants seem... different... swear it was Reaper..." An aging doctor, smiling patiently, at peace with her life and her choices.

"Anderson's funeral was yesterday. You would've liked it... Hackett listed training you as one of the Admiral's big accomplishments..." A pilot, grinning at her as he outlined just how much better off she was for his presence.

"Hey, skipper... getting lonely, being the only human Spectre up and about... still gotta go through with that rain check..." A survivor, cocky and headstrong, determined to prove everyone wrong about how her family was defined.

"Sup, Lola. They're sayin' all the shit with the Reapers counts as proving myself N7... I still don't know what to do with myself, though... Doesn't feel right, with my training officer in a coma..." A hulk of a man who still seemed so small, hating himself for past mistakes while slowly realizing they'd made him stronger.

"Everyone misses you, Shepard... _I_ miss you. I thought that plaque would be all I had left, but here you are... Just come back, okay? Come back to me. I need you." A turian with scars along half his face. Strong arms, tender touches, gentle words.

Friends. _Her_ friends. Names. Chakwas. Joker. Ashley. James. Garrus.

 _Garrus_. He was there often, talking to her about the others, about Earth, about nothing in particular, shining light into the nowhere, reminding her of things she'd thought she'd left behind forever. Garrus... she wanted to go back. To see all of them. To see him. She _needed_ to see him. And to hell with whatever was holding her down.

The return was not gentle. Physical sensation returned as a burning, stabbing pain through nerve endings she'd forgotten existed and last remembered as distintegrating agony. The first thing she did was scream, then choke back on oxygen forced into her through a mask strapped tight to her face. She thrashed, one hand ripping the mask away despite the pain that still rang through her whole body.

She didn't even realize she wasn't alone. Heard a voice shouting but didn't quite register it as important.

"Holy _shit_! Doctor! Chakwas, get _in here now_!" Then hands were on her arms, doing their best to keep her still. "Shepard! Shepard, calm down!"

The words washed over her like tides on a rock and were ignored. It _hurt_ and it wouldn't stop. She continued to squirm and thrash even with the restraint, and then a new noise joined the first one.

"Commander, it's all right! Damn it, we may have to sedate her. Step back, Garrus."

The words gained meaning. Or at least the name did. Even as the first hands released her, she was stilling, but the new hands made her cringe away again. No. Needed to think. Needed to get past the pain. Needed...

"Garrus." Her voice was a croak, but her mind was too splintered to be embarassed or ashamed of it. She looked past the one closest to her, towards the other, towards him, the last face she remembered in her mind's eye before her body had been destroyed and _how_ was she back? Didn't know. Didn't remember. She needed something solid. Not sedation. She needed something she trusted. "Garrus..."

The doctor—Chakwas, her _friend_ Chakwas—hesitated, and then she backed away, allowing space for the turian to return.

And he was at her side in an instant, talon-tipped fingers touching her face with a tenderness so familiar it caused a whole different kind of ache. "I'm here, Shepard. I'm right here."

The pain started to ease, whether it was him or just the passing seconds she wasn't sure, didn't care. She clung to him, holding him as close as possible given the difficulty she was having with movement. Finally, her mind cleared enough that she could look around. Garrus and Chakwas were the only familiar faces in the room. There was another human, a nurse who looked like she didn't know what to do with herself, but Shepard focused on the people she knew, still holding Garrus' arm with one hand as she spoke, her voice a bit stronger than before, forced that way now that she was more aware of herself. "What happened to me?"

Garrus hesitated, pulled away from her, but kept hold of her hand as he looked at Chakwas. The doctor frowned, gestured the nurse out of the room and waited for the door to close before she spoke. "We were hoping you would tell us... Garrus told me they found you inside the depths under the Citadel Tower, clinging to life despite grievous injuries."

That set her mind reeling again, her fingers locking around Garrus', and he stepped as close as he could, put his other hand on the side of her head. She leaned into it as she closed her eyes, pains rising once again as the memories of her injuries almost overwhelmed her. "I... I was hurt... Anderson... the Illusive Man... the..." She shuddered.

"Hey, easy... stay with us. You're all right." Garrus' voice was softer than she'd ever heard it, softer even than when he was murmuring his fears to her that first time in her cabin.

"You don't have to tell us everything right away, Shepard." Chakwas' voice was not quite as soft, but still gentle, both a concerned doctor and a worried friend. "You've been through a lot. You'll need time."

Time... that reminded her. She opened her eyes and looked up at Garrus. "How... how long was I...?" Dead? Unconscious? She didn't even know.

He brushed his thumb across her cheek, squeezed her hand. "You were in a coma for just over two months, counting the time before we found you. Had me worried... had _everyone_ worried."

And she chuckled, would have burst out laughing if not for clamping down on it out of fear of being unable to stop. "That's it? Didn't even beat my record."

Garrus eyed her, though his mandibles twitched in a smile similar, she expected, to her own amusement. "No, not even close, and thanks for that."

Chakwas shook her head. "Well, record or no record, you need to rest. Stories can wait until later, though I doubt I'll be able to keep Garrus, or the rest of the crew, away for very long."

...

It had been a long day. Within hours, the entire crew had found out about Shepard's awakening, but Chakwas had been serious about letting Shepard rest, so it had fallen to Garrus to reassure everyone that yes, she was awake and as coherent as could be expected, and when she was ready to talk to them, he doubted he'd be able to stop her.

Still, he returned that night to find her peacefully asleep, and only Chakwas' word reassured him that she hadn't slipped back into unconsciousnes. With the doctor's (slightly grudging) approval, he sat himself down beside Shepard's bed and watched the sky over the damaged Citadel, through the windows that had automatically tinted to darken the room.

So lost was he in his own thoughts, he didn't realize Shepard was awake until he heard her voice. "And how long have you been here?"

She sounded much better, more like herself. He looked at her and smiled. "Since I pestered Chakwas into letting me in. How are you feeling?"

Shifting to stare at the ceiling, Shepard sighed. "... Better, I think... I don't know. I feel like I've been put through a meat grinder and then glued back together..." A pause, and a frown. "... Again."

Her fingers were curling into the sheets, and he reached out to set his hand over hers, rewarded by the slight relaxing of the tension there. "You can take your time getting better now."

She snorted, turned her hand so she could hold his. "Now that's a funny thought... You sure I don't have some galactic disaster to rush off and stop?"

He squeezed her hand, shaking his head with a little chuckle. "No, Shepard, you've done your part. Let everyone else put the galaxy back together..." He hesitated, glanced out the window again, knowing well what was out beyond it. "... with some unexpected help."

The tension returned, just slightly, and she looked straight at him for a second before dropping her eyes to their joined hands. "... You mean the Reapers."

Maybe he shouldn't have said anything. "Yeah... I'm sorry. I wasn't going to ask about it..."

Her turn to shake her head, raising her eyes to him again with a thin smile. "No, I understand. It must have been a hell of a shock."

"To say the least. We almost shot the first one we saw before we realized it wasn't trying to kill us." That had been a tense few minutes, but still... he didn't want to stress her. "We don't have to talk about it now..."

"It's all right, Garrus. I want to talk about it... maybe it'll help me sort it out." She'd sat up slightly, one hand tapping the bed's remote to shift it so she could lean back comfortably. "Do you remember what the Illusive Man was trying to do? All his talk about controlling the Reapers?"

"Hard to forget that kind of crazy. I remember he beat us back to the Citadel... did you run into him?"

"Yeah. He was already at the controls when Anderson got there, and then me..." She was shaking, and he pulled his chair closer, held her hand a little tighter, hoping to ground her. When she returned the tight grip, he knew it was working, or at least appreciated. "I... I don't know how, but he could control us... maybe it was my cybernetics, but he had Anderson paralyzed too... And I... Garrus, he made me shoot him. Anderson was already hurt, and I..."

He was not close enough. He got up from the chair and moved to sit on the bed. She sat up a moment later, and he drew her to his chest. He remembered the wound in Anderson's stomach, had recognized it as a gunshot wound... but spirits... "It wasn't your fault."

Her breathing was shaky, and for a while she just leaned into him, let his fingers stroke through her hair and across her face. Eventually she steadied, but stayed close to him. "I killed him after that... broke his control, opened the arms... and Anderson..." She closed her eyes. "He died right next to me..." Then she looked up at him, and he met the urgent need in her eyes with understanding. She needed him. He was there. "Did you find him? I think... I remember Joker saying there was a funeral..."

"We found him. He was given a hero's funeral, buried on Earth, in London." He leaned down to rest his forehead against hers, felt her body ease as relief flooded her. "We can go to his grave when you're feeling up to it."

Her free hand ran along the side of his face, slid down to his waist as she smiled. "Thank you, Garrus. That... that means a lot."

Again, silence fell between them. She had drawn her legs up to practically wrap around him, and he just took in her presence for a while. It was still such a miracle... he'd thought he would never see her again.

Just as he was starting to think she might've fallen asleep against him, she stirred. "Hm... never got to the part about why the Reapers are still around, did I?"

"You don't have to tell the whole story at once. It's okay."

"I know, but..." She shifted again, and he glanced down at her, but she wasn't looking at him, her head resting on his shoulder and angled downwards. "... They've been helping, right? They haven't hurt anyone since then?"

"Not that I've heard. They've been repairing the relays, a lot faster than we could have... there's even reports of Reaper forces clearing debris. From what I know, they mostly stay away from people."

She let out a breath he hadn't noticed she was holding. "Good. I was worried, when I came back..."

Now he frowned. He hadn't wanted to press, but... "What do you mean?"

She drew away slightly, just enough so her free hand could rub against her temple. "It's hard to explain... I guess the short version is the Illusive Man was right: the Crucible did give the power to control the Reapers."

"And that's what you did?" There was no judgement in his voice or his heart. Shepard always did what she felt was right, and she pretty much always ended up making the best call.

It was no surprise when she nodded. "I couldn't destroy them... the Catalyst told me... oh yeah." She looked at him, and for a second the severity lifted again with a weak smile. "Did I mention the Catalyst was an AI?"

He blinked. "No... wait, so that's the 'intelligence' made by Leviathan?"

"Yeah, to solve the problem between organics and synthetics... which was how the whole harvesting cycle started: advanced organic societies being preserved into Reaper form so they didn't destroy themselves by making war with synthetics... ugh, and remind me we have to keep an eye out for Leviathan in case those assholes get any bright ideas." She grimaced.

Right, he'd almost forgotten those things were still around. "Right... so why couldn't you destroy the Reapers?"

The shadow came back over her face. He wondered if it would ever really go away, after everything she'd been through. "I... the Catalyst told me it was an option, but there wasn't a way to only destroy the Reapers... _all_ synthetic life would've been wiped out."

A few seconds were spent absorbing that... and then he got it. "... The geth."

She nodded. "Yeah... and EDI too."

Oh, spirits. "No wonder you couldn't do it..."

Now she shook her head, stared at the floor again. "No. Not after Legion sacrificed himself... not after everything EDI had done for us... so I had to make a different choice. I chose to control them... to make sure they wouldn't threaten the galaxy again."

Her hand had gone slack in his, and he reached out with his free hand to tilt her head to face him again. "So... why were you worried?"

She lifted her free hand to brush over the one he had on her face, and then lowered it so she could hold his other hand in both of hers. Her eyes slid away from his face. "I... to replace the Catalyst, my body had to be destroyed..." His muscles tensed, and she squeezed his hand. "I was hurt bad, Garrus, already dying... I knew that when I made the call... and it hurt like hell, worse than the first time I died..." She chuckled again, though he heard the little hitch as she strained for control and squeezed her hand. "'The first time I died'... how many people get to say that?"

"Not many." He didn't share her mirth, lifting his free arm to wrap around her. "So that's why you were worried? You thought coming back meant you didn't have control?"

She leaned into him, one thumb brushing back and forth along the back of his hand. "It occured to me... but... I don't know, it's like I can still sense the new Catalyst... the one created from me, like she... it... whatever... there's part of me that's still linked to it." Her thumb stilled, and he glanced down to find her frowning. "... Doesn't tell me why I somehow came back, though."

And then a memory hit him. A memory of her barely alive in his arms, and a voice familiar-and-alien from seemingly nowhere. "... Regrets."

He didn't realize he'd muttered the word until she shifted to look up at him. "What?"

Meeting her eyes, he managed a little shrug, unsure of the real meaning of what he was about to say. "When we found you, just before we got out of... wherever the hell that was... we heard a voice. It said your regrets were a... distraction, and it could focus on its purpose now." He paused, mixed feelings about the memory stirring. "... Tali said it sounded like you."

Silence again. She stared down at his hand, trapped between hers. After a while, her thumb started moving again. "My thoughts and intentions were the guide for the new Catalyst... just before I... just before I died... my last thought was just..." Her eyes raised to his again, the ghost of a smile, loving and gentle, on her face. "... how sorry I was that I'd never see you again." She shook her head, smile turning to one of amazement. "And it revived me because that was distracting from the mission to protect...?"

"Can't say I'm sorry for the decision..." He leaned his head down against hers, drew in a deep breath full of her scent, no matter that it was mixed with the sterilization of the hospital. "I thought I'd lost you. It was the worst feeling..." He wasn't even sure how much longer he'd have lasted if they hadn't found her.

One of her hands left his, came up to run along his face and then around the back of his neck, pulling their faces closer as she lifted her head to kiss him. "I'm sorry, Garrus... but you didn't lose me. I'm right here."

He leaned down to kiss her again, held her tight. "I know. And I don't plan to let you out of my sight again."


End file.
